Last week, I needed to talk to someone...someone that I could say what I really felt, without being judged. I made an appointment to talk with my Doctor. (thanks to reading a little inspiration)
I sat in the waiting room, nervously surfing on my iPhone. I couldn't help but ease drop on a Mom, about my age, chatting it up with the nurses and doctors in the waiting room. She had a double stroller - and was holding one of the babies in her arms. The twin babies were born at 24 weeks (April 4th) at 1.5lbs each. The baby in the stroller was on oxygen. They spent 128 days in the NICU and were finally released after reaching a healthy weight. She sat there talking with the nurses, holding one baby in her left arm, while successfully making a bottle (with powdered formula) in the other...rocking the double stroller with her foot. She actually used her chin to switch the burp cloth from one shoulder to the other. This chic was like Wonder Woman. She went on to say that she only had a few days left and she had to go to work...while her babies went to daycare.
{gasp}
AND THEN THERE IS ME...waiting to talk to someone about the stresses of my job and finding a balance of being a SAHM and a WAHM. (stay at home mom and work at home mom). There I sat...so stressed out, yet my baby wasn't on oxygen, my baby was happy and healthy and slept through the night. I had it "easy". I didn't have to deal with sickness, the NICU, daycare or the fear of leaving my baby. I was there because I was going a little loopy and couldn't seem to get my shit together. I thought - What a bitch I am. What an awful mother I am.
"So why are you here? What's going on?" the Doctor asked.
"Well, the other day, my baby was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't figure out why. I put him down and I went into the bathroom, closed the door and yelled SHUT THE F*CK UP...then quickly put my hands over my mouth...hoping he didn't hear me" I replied.
Yup. I thought I was the worst. mother. in. the. world. But I had to let it out. I had to scream something. I was simply at my wits ends. Dealing with the built up frustration of working and being a SAHM.
Well after an hour conversation with my Dr. I realized that I wasn't that loopy and I was a good Mom and I can't compare my situation to anyone else. And she was right. I can't. But I do. She also reassured me that IV didn't hear me. Good. thing. Ha! My Dr. told me that if I had told them I wasn't taking a real maternity leave, they wouldn't have let me. I wish I did. I started working the day I got home from the hospital. I never had time to adjust and find balance. I'm on my way though. I'm on my way to finding my "pre-mommy, multi-tasking like rock star - Allie" I once was. I owe it to myself and my boy. I'm going to get through this...and I'm going to continue to strive to be my own WONDER WOMAN. So there!
aww, I feel you at this. I had the baby blues and I can vividly remember one day when my son was crying non-stop, I put him in his swing and yelled SHUT UP so loud and he started crying even harder. I felt like the worst mom in the world, but it was just one of those days. You're not a bad mom because of it, trust me! :)
ReplyDeleteJust because you have a healthy, happy baby doesn't mean YOU can't be stressed or overwhelmed (or that you don't deserve to be!)
ReplyDeleteJ is a good baby and I have one day like that at LEAST once a week. I've even told him to leave me alone before. Like really? Mom fail!
Thanks for being honest and posting this! You and your doctor are right...you can't compare yourself to anyone else. I've had moments like that too, and the important thing is you DID do the right thing, you safely put him down, left the room, and vented. We've all been there, and if anyone says they've never done that or something similar, they're lying. Big hugs! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's it's like to be a mom but I find your honesty refreshing that sometimes things do get hard even in so called 'easy' situations.
ReplyDelete